Avoiding The Big Mistake: Being Friends With Your Ex

"...but I still want to be friends."

These dreaded words mark the end of your relationship, and begin your journey on the fast path to the Friend Zone. There you'll sit back happily watching your now ex girlfriend move on with her life, date other guys, and have a great time without you... but still remain on the other end of the phone as a shoulder to cry on. Sound good?

Friends With Ex Girlfriend

Of course not. Which is why you need to stomp all over idealistic approach to being friends with your ex girlfriend after the relationship has ended. It doesn't matter who suggested it, you or her - It's always a sucker bet. Such an arrangement is filled with teases, emotional torture, and the hollow emptiness of a relationship that will never be whole again no matter how much you wish it to be different. Playing a friendship role when what you really want is a full-time, long-term relationship is like agreeing to be demoted and then having to act happy about it. No thanks.

Being Friends With Your Ex - The Pros

The problem with establishing an ex-girlfriend friendship is that it seems like a great idea at first. The worst part of any break up is the separation anxiety that comes from knowing you might not see that person ever again, and certainly won't see them on a daily basis. Being with someone and talking to them every day creates an invisible dependancy; having that person ripped away before you're ready is like quitting alcohol or drugs cold turkey. You try to convince yourself that friendship is a good idea... that you'll still be able to see and talk to your ex girlfriend so you'll have extra time to get over things.

You'll also love the fact that the two of you can still hang out, on a strictly platonic basis of course. Inwardly you still want your ex back, so you'll be hoping that you can rekindle the romance. Being around someone all the time is a great way to stay in their mind, right? Seeing, emailing, and talking to your ex every day is a good way to wiggle your way back into the relationship, as well as keep a sharp eye on what she's doing. On the surface, these seem like all good things.

Friendship With An Ex Girlfriend - The Reality

In actuality though, staying friends after the break up will hurt you in two major ways. First, you never fully go through the pain of breaking up with someone, so you stay emotionally vested. This will destroy you when the inevitable happens: your ex girlfriend starts dating someone else. There's nothing you can do to prepare yourself for that moment, and it's going to more than anything.

Even worse, since you're still friends with her, you'll get a front row seat. She may even tell you about him, their dates, and all the other juicy details you're dying to know about (but would rather not). As her good 'friend' you now have to act happy about her new relationship. You become witness to your own self-created horror show, one you can't look away from. Anything bac you say about this guy will only come off as jealous ex-boyfriend talk, and anything good you say about him will reinforce their relationship. Avoid this nightmare at all costs by not accepting the offer to be friends with your ex in the first place.

Yet even if she does begin dating someone else, there are techniques you can use to steal your ex back from another man. If this has already happened to you, reading up on these methods will show you what to do next.

The second reason you shouldn't maintain a friendship with your exgirlfriend: it sabotages your chances of ever getting back together. To understand why, you need to know the biggest requirement for your ex to date you again: she needs to miss you and want you around her. If you stay friends after breaking up, you're esentially fulfilling these needs right away. Your ex doesn't ever miss you since you never go away, so there's no reason for her to want you back. You're already there.

Your ex now has just about everything she had from your previous relationship: companionship, closeness, and someone to call when she needs to talk about something. You've given up the intimacy and sexual aspects of the relationship and traded them for the privilege of still getting to be around her. She can still see you, email you, hang out with you, and do everything other than sleep with you. On top of this, your ex girlfriend gets to date other guys. She gets the ability to do what she wants, and the freedom of not having to answer to you. Essentially, you've given her the best of both worlds... so why would she ever consider getting back into a relationship with you?

Other Pitfalls of Being Friends With Your Ex

As if all that weren't enough, the above reasons are only some of the problems you'll face by establishing a friendship with your exgirlfriend. For example, what happens when you meet someone else? Should you date her, or do you still cling to the chance that your ex might come around? And even if you choose to date another girl, do you tell her about the friendship you have with your ex? Think she'll understand? Probably not. Not many girls want to see you hanging around with someone you shared an intimate connection with. Any new girlfriend you get is going to keep you as far away from your ex as possible, causing resentment and hurt feelings on both sides. Not very good for a friendship.

Get Your Ex Back

And what happens when your ex begins dating? The same thing, but in reverse. Her new boyfriend isn't going to let her hang out with you, knowing that you once slept with her. No matter how close a friendship you think you've established, your ex is going to go off and spend more and more time with him, and less time (if any) with you. The loneliness of having someone snatched away from you will hurt twice as much than if you'd allowed your break up to resolve normally, without the complicated burden of friendship.

What To Say When Your Ex Girlfriend Asks To Be Friends

One piece of good news here is that any ex wishing to remain friends is probably not over the relationship yet. Your girlfriend is breaking up with you, but she still wants the option to change her mind. Keeping you within arm's reach is a good way of knowing where you are, what you're doing, and how long she has before you move on with your life. It's a selfish thing to do, but it happens.

If you want your ex back quickly, you need to refuse any offer to remain friends. Do it politely, but firmly. You want her to know that you're not going to substitute friendship for the real relationship that you actually want, and that she shouldn't either. So when she pulls out the friend card, you can say something like:

"I'm sorry, but it's not a good idea. I wanted you as a girlfriend, not as a friend. It's better if we both move on in different directions, and friendship would only complicate that. I wish you the best though".

This conversation is similar to agreeing with the break up, and in fact it's what you're doing. But you're also letting her know that friendship isn't something you're interested in. You're also giving her an important piece of information that she might not be happy to hear: if she's going to break up with you, she's going to lose you completely. Period, end of story.

This blows up any plans your ex might've had to keep stringing you along while she plays the field. She wanted to look around and see what's out there, but she also wanted you there as a safety net. By refusing to be that safety net, you've taken your ex way outside her comfort zone. You've shocked her into facing her own decision. And by saying "If you don't want all of me, you can't have any of me", she's going to respect you for standing up that way. It makes you instantly more attractive than if you'd laid down and agreed with the friendship just to cling to the hopes of getting your ex back.

Best Resource For Turning Friendship Back Into Love Again

If you're still in love with your ex and want her back, friendship is never the answer. You need to make a clean break from the relationship and then begin working toward winning her back. Staying friends is a copout, both for you and for her. Don't let it go down this way.

If however, you've already stepped into the friend zone... there are ways of climbing back out of it, even if you're in there pretty deep. The faster you get started, the easier it will be to get your relationship back on the track of winning your ex back. The guide listed below has some great tips for getting your girlfriend to want you romantically again, even if you've already established a friendship:

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